For the past few years I’ve been dealing with a lot of things. This blog has been a great way for me to talk about it and self-examine. I haven’t posted in something like two years. I plan on posting again and should. However I have to be absolutely honest. I have failed. I have failed miserably. In my post Jekyll & Hyde I talked about giving up alcohol. I did, then I did not. I was sober for about eight months before I relapsed. Since then I’ve slipped further and further into my own abyss. As a result I’m now living with my parents, lost my job (not actually related to my drinking but hey let me run with the dramatic because it’s still true), and my wife has left me. While only two of those three is directly tied to my drinking the fact I haven’t found a new job is directly tied to my drinking.
I have my own yarn to spin about my divorce saga but right now I’m just re-acclimating to posting again. I think this blog is emotionally necessary for me. I have a lot to say but I do not like talking usually. The problem is then self-obvious. Hence this blog. At first I didn’t know what this was but over time it’s purpose became more obvious. I’m a human going through a lot of shit like we all do but now I can talk about it without fear. Fear of retaliation, fear of indictment, fear of being vulnerable and more. I started this blog because I have things to say however useful or non-useful. Our many insights of other people come from their private thoughts written in journals a la Anne Frank. Not like I think I’m some important historical figure but if we don’t record these things no one else will ever know and it’s only in the knowing that things can be learned from, changed, understood, etc…
If all I do is shout at the heavens and get no response at least I get some reprieve, but if there’s at least one other human who can benefit from my words then I have done something good. Therefore I feel absolutely obliged to be as honest as possible.
I have failed and miserably so. There are good ways to deal with problems and bad ways however I took some sort of middle road where I somewhat managed to deal with them but also managed to do it completely wrong. I read, I am in therapy, I write, I explore, I create but still I drink. Drinking is not some great evil and people who drink can be completely happy, fulfilled, and not hurt those around them but not everybody can drink and do those things. Some of us struggle with moderation. Some of us struggle with our emotions. Some of us struggle with the pressures of life. Some of us struggle being alone and bored. Alcohol will never be a good prescription for those ailments.
For those of use where alcohol or really any drug (whether it be marijuana, alcohol, sex/pornography, video games, constant netflix streaming, eating fast food) become crutches, know that crutches don’t make you stronger. Being vulnerable and asking for help is strength. Being able to acknowledge your weakness and find real support is strength. Facing down your difficulties and doing the right thing is strength. Forgiving yourself for your mistakes is strength. If you get into a cycle of “I did bad thing -> punish self -> self is still same way -> I seek bad thing for better feeling -> I did thing” then that cycle needs to be broken. Not by seeking outside of yourself for assurance, peace, or atonement, etc… but by being able to say “I did a bad thing and I may do it again but it’s Ok as long as I realize the consequences and am willing to *NOT* do the bad thing again”. It seems counter-intuitive as it first seemed to me, but if you’re constantly seeking to punish yourself then you will only ever end up punished but not changed.
Forgive yourself. You are not ultimate evil. You may have done some things you wish you could take back. Things you will never forgive yourself for but if you’re opinion of yourself is so low you won’t love yourself enough to change for the better then you won’t be able to change. Changing or self-improvement relies on you thinking it’s actually possible but if you think you’re some sort of unforgiveable monster you won’t be able to love yourself enough to enact that change. Sorry if that sounds like mashed-potato words.
Bottom line is, if you want to change you have to care enough about yourself for that desire to better to be a useful motivation.
If you’re depressed or just don’t like yourself it starts with small things
- Take a shower (and if you’re a man shave your face)
- Wear some nice clothes (if you don’t have any just go buy one “set” of nice clothes, or just wear something different if you can’t or don’t want to spend money.)
- Talk to those closest to you; if you feel like no one exists like that then you need to find some groups to socialize in. There are many social groups catering to different activities, try Meetup or many of the other widely available resources. I know it’s hard but you can do it.
You won’t always intrinsically feel better but you just took three steps in loving yourself no matter how small. Small steps every day can take you miles over time. And yes this will take time.
You may not think you can do it, but I do. I think you can do it. I believe you can do it. I know you can do it. This may sound empty but I welcome anyone who wants to talk, just reach out and I will listen. I will do what I can to be there for you.
ooglykraken 