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Redemption through Sacrifice: Dragon Ball Z

(Spoilers)

I was a young boy when my older brother and I used to catch Dragonball Z on Toonami. Nostalgia, then, obviously plays a large part in my enjoyment of the series but despite its lack of sophisticated storylines it is eminently enjoyable. I must say between Akira Toriyama and Kentaro Miura’s passing in the past few years, two of the greatest mangaka have left us. I know they have proteges and I really hope we can enjoy their works for years to come. What I want to explore, though, is one of Dragonball Z’s greatest narrative moments.

Characterisation has always taken a greater place than proper narrative in Dragonball. Each arc of the plot, starting with DBZ, revolves around a major villain and their inevitable defeat in battle. I mean Goku losing his friends and fighting to the death against Frieza on a dying planet is an amazing sequence but it’s how the characters are built over time and not in a moment that makes the show so good. Piccolo being a better father figure than Goku, Gohan being incredibly strong while simultaneously not liking to fight, and Vegeta being the living embodiment of pride who wavers between heroism and villainy moment-to-moment.

Vegeta began as a villain but joined the heroes to defeat an even greater villain. Wanting to keep up with Goku and becoming a family man kept him straight. During the Buu saga Vegeta is given a promise of more power, something he always vied for so he could finally defeat Goku. He embraces his worst feelings and decides to become a proper villain again all so that he can be the strongest and show it. For the first time since the beginning of Z he can keep up with Goku. To get him to take the fight seriously Vegeta mercilessly kills a number of civilians. After this Goku leads Vegeta away from casualties to continue their fight in earnest. Having these two battle was a part of a plan to release a new monstrous evil, named Buu.

Sensing Buu’s awakening, Vegeta and Goku cease their conflict to investigate. In a surprise attack Goku is knocked unconscious by Vegeta. Going alone, Vegeta then engages Buu but is ultimately defeated. Realizing he has failed, he embraces his son one last time before having everyone flee the vicinity. In a final stand he acknowledges his family and the rivalry/friendship he shares with Goku. In a massive glowing burst of energy he destroys himself along with everything nearby in order to slay Buu. To protect those closest to him he sacrificed himself not necessarily atoning for his evils, but still accomplishing one last act of heroism.

A World Made of Cardboard

As far as superheroes go, Superman is one of my least favorite. He’s too overpowered and while we both grew up in the American midwest I find him to be bland as a character. Batman calls him “Boy scout” because he’s just too nice, it’s why said Bat could defeat him. Superman’s heroism comes from his heart of gold while he seeks to uphold moral justice.

However its in one of my favorite TV shows I grew to appreciate Superman. Justice League and it’s sequel series Justice League Unlimited are children’s shows but along with Batman: The Animated Series, they were written to be enjoyable for adults and children. With complex storylines, proper character development, and the introduction of my favorite Green Lantern: John Stewart.

The show found ways to make every character interesting, with them sometimes getting a whole episode dedicated to them. The Question and Huntress going on conspiracy hunts, Batman and Zatanna saving Wonder Woman, and today’s focus: Darkseid.

While Batman defeating Darkseid with pure cunning across several media is great stuff it’s Superman who has one of my favorite moments. During Darkseid’s invasion of Earth there is a prolonged battle and Superman gives the greatest monologue.

“I feel like I live in a world made of cardboard, always taking constant care not to break something, to break someone. Never allowing myself to lose control even for a moment, or someone could die.”

The significance of this is that for the first time Superman doesn’t have to hold back. Darkseid can withstand Superman letting go of his restraints and unleashing his full power. Superman recognizes this and is prepared to throw a punch as hard as he can.

There’s a reddit post that I found to provide context here. Which also references the Death of Superman story, which was the first comic I ever read. However despite some narrative issues, to me this quote defines what I like about Superman. He is essentially a god amongst humans but is constantly holding back because he’s there to protect them and not destroy. I’d say it’s comparable to Batman never killing and always jailing his villains hoping they’ll reform one day. Though while the Bat wants reformation out of sympathy, Superman wants to protect because he is a good and kind Kryptonian at heart.

If you find Superman to be a bit plain, remember he’s been around since 1938 and has been depicted in many different ways. There may be one such incarnation that makes you appreciate his character more. He’s a paragon of justice with power to do nearly anything but he only uses it for selfless purposes, providing a safer world to those he wants to defend.

My Top Five Movies

The Last Samurai

In my mind this is one of the most beautiful movies I’ve seen, with landscape shots that are just stunning, with a story as equally pleasing. This is the story of a broken man who finds new purpose and regains his honor through understanding a culture different from his own. Aside from serving in the military there’s a lot I find in common with the lead character, played by Tom Cruise. Shame, guilt, and more plague a man who followed his orders only to be left with deep scars.

Starship Troopers

While originally a book written by Robert A. Heinlein, the movie is somewhat different from the source material. Heinlein wrote it as a depiction of a future society where military service was necessary for proper citizenship, owing to Heinlein’s time serving in the Navy. On the other hand Paul Verhoeven who directed the film turned it into a satire of such a highly-militarized society while still keeping a positive view of the individual members of the military. You connect with the characters but see the farce of such an odd fascistic society.

The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

Another aesthetically pleasing film which was filmed entirely in New Zealand, while The Last Samurai was filmed in Japan, New Zealand, and California. It’s the story of a young man (hobbit) who dreams of adventures and not the slow agrarian life he grew up surrounded by. A fate then forces him out of his comfortable home and onto the road into a bigger world. Carrying a burden that only he can seemingly shoulder. A journey that begins small and simple with companions he’s known most of his life evolves into a quest to save the world alongside eight others, the Fellowship.

Tombstone

While i’m not a western-film aficionado, this is definitely my favorite of the genre. Based on the very real Wyatt Earp, it follows his brothers, a good friend, and Wyatt himself as they journey into the burgeoning American West. Due to circumstance Wyatt and his group become enforcers of justice in the titular town of Tombstone. A well-paced flow of setup, action, and vengeance.

Kung Fu Hustle

I love martial arts movies. Growing up I watched Jackie Chan, Jet Li and Bruce Lee, but it wasn’t long before I started branching out. From recent films with Iko Uwais all the way back to the Shaw brothers’ productions. To me this film seems like a love letter from Stephen Chow, the director and lead actor, to the genre as a whole with some Looney Tunes-esque silliness thrown in. Equal parts comedy and action it’s never boring.

Moving On

This past 27th of September was my birthday. I don’t really care about the ceremony of it as I’m no longer a child who receives gifts. To me, yesterday, tomorrow, and today are just days. Turning 33 doesn’t change anything for me, it’s just another day. However because of the cultural expectations I wanted to spend this day with my daughter. I have fleeting glimpses of hope for what my life can be and I’m still figuring it out, but what I want above all else is to be a good father.

I promised my daughter I would take her to the zoo and eat berry dessert with her. Since my divorce I can hardly eat or sleep but I couldn’t betray my promise to Zelda. For several weeks I only slept four to five hours at most and I thought about not being there. Instead I woke up around four, drove two and a half hours north, picked up my daughter and spent the next four-and-a-half hours at the zoo with her, her friend, and her friend’s mom.

Afterwards she slept for a bit, but woke up with maybe only 30 minutes of sleep. I had asked my Ex to pick up some berry-tarts from a local bakery, which she did. Thank you X. Afterwards Zelda and I shared one, though Zelda ate most of it. I don’t like sweets but I promised we’d eat it together.

Afterwards I spent some time playing with Zelda and just doing anything to spend time with her. When she wanted to sit on my lap and replicate my pose I felt really happy.

Later her mom came home from what I can only assume was a date, we prepared a dinner for Zelda. I helped as best as I could as I don’t spend enough time with Zelda to know what she likes now (writing that line makes my heart bleed, I wish I knew but her mom makes it difficult to spend time with her). While she did like the broccoli I made her, she really was invested in eating it when I promised to read to her. People are always amused when I say I can keep a toddler’s attention for an hour with books, but I use onomatopoeia, different voices, and engage her with questions.

In the end Zelda went off to do her own thing and my Ex and I spent some time talking. It was the most civil conversation we’ve had since she declared she’d started a divorce. It still hurts but I realized something recently.

I’m better off without her. She is selfish, non-empathetic, hyper-focused and apathetic to my plight. If I criticize her she gets angry. If I tell her she hurt me she plays UNO-Reverse and says its my fault. When I expose my vulnerabilities she just gets angry with me. So I just drank my pain.

She’s not a bad person inherently just selfish. As I’ve come to understand this, the love I’d held for her for over decade has started to fade.

I’d known she was like this the entire time, I just hoped she would change. It was during a trip in China to visit her family for Zelda’s first birthday I realized I didn’t mean much to her. I felt so alone and ignored. She didn’t understand when I said wanted more time with my daughter as everything was following Chinese traditions. I don’t know those, I’m not a part of them, I just felt like an outsider. It was just months of pain being an outsider, and she didn’t try to help. I even told her but she didn’t understand or care.

It’s this accumulation of apathy towards me I’ve realized she’s just not worth loving. I hate this. I hate that I feel I have to write this, but she ignored me and I loved her with everything I had. In the end it’s just a sad story.

More Useful Than I Think

My last post, Less Useful Than a Paperclip, has been deleted as it goes against the ethos of my intentions. I do suffer from depression and nihilism but I do not want to spread it, when I write I just want to spread understanding and hopefully good will. While finding my divorce was finalized has hurt me deeply I do not want negativity to pervade. It really sucks and I miss my ex-wife and daughter but that’s life, as Mr. Sinatra said. Life is not an easy undertaking but we all have our own cards to play and recently I’ve been misplaying mine and blaming the game. There is so much happiness and good to find, for most of us. It’d be disingenuous to constantly be so negative. For all of the pain and misery one finds in life there certainly is joy and happiness. I know not all people are as lucky as I am, I was born to a middle-class american family but striving for something better can avail something to everyone Srinivasa for example.

I’m choosing to write today because my last post is the least of what I want. I hope when you read my writing you connect to me in some small way and I do not want you to connect to my negativity. What I want is for all the world to be a good place, full of life and happiness. I’m naive so it is my nature. To not-so-subtly get to the point I apologize for giving in to my despair. Instead I started a Youtube Channel where I will be posting all child-friendly content. Mostly reading books and when I finish those doing puzzles and other similar content. If you’ve read a lot of my blog you know I have a drinking problem and other related issues but I will not allow that to bleed out into anything related to children. I have my failings but children deserve the best of us, and that is only what I will give them.

I hope whoever reads this has a great rest of their day.

A Proof of Concept

The fourth of July is most certainly a day of celebration for me. I am a dedicated American and believe that the democratic process can allow for change. This country is not perfect but I firmly believe it can become better. Though the fourth of July is more important to me for another reason. It is the day my daughter was born. She is what is most important to me. She is the reason I’ve been trying to pull myself out of the mire I’ve sunk into. Last year I missed her birthday as I was enduring probably the worst period of my life, coping with job loss, divorce, losing the woman I love, alcoholism, being pushed out of my daughter’s life, and trying to find a new home. I still regret not being strong enough to be there, if I were a better person I could have been there.

However, on her third birthday, I was there. I could be there for her. And it was a very good day. She seemed to have so much fun and verbally expressed that she was happy. Her mother did a good job organizing things and she deserves thanks. Zelda’s b-day was held at a Chuck-e Cheese, where she constantly darted between every game. She had some obvious favorites and was just enamored with the full-on stimulation provided. I was able to see the friends she made and their parents. All in all a good time. Recently I’ve noticed she always gets upset when she and I have to say goodbye, I wasn’t sure if she just didn’t want to or because she didn’t want to say goodbye to me. I was able to get a definitive answer as I explained “Baba is going home in this car, and Zelda is going home in that car”. She wanted to go with me as she understood I was not going to her home. It was the purest definition of bittersweet as it made me glad she wanted to go home with me but it hurt so much to tell her she couldn’t and see how upset she was after.

Unfortunately what else I have to say is more about me, because I have just recently finished a move from Indianapolis, Indiana to Fresno, California. It’s been about three weeks and I’m finally settled in. I did this to be closer to my daughter and this birthday was both a really good day and a proof of why this was the better choice I could’ve made.

I rented a U-haul and drove four hours north (thanks to traffic) to pick up my things from my wife’s. Spent a few hours packing, then drove home around midnight. I got home about 3 am and unloaded the van by 4 am and promptly went to sleep. Since then I’ve been organizing and putting things in their place, getting groceries and whatever else I need. While there’s still some tidying to do everything is just about done. Now it’s a matter of living on my own for the first time in my life at the ripe age of 32. In fact since high school it’s been one of my dreams to just live alone. Like most dreams the romantic vision and the reality aren’t congruent but it’s still good.

Going forward I need to get a job, keep going to AA and figure out what visiting with my daughter will look like. It’s a little scary especially being unemployed but I have hope things will work out. Hope is not something I’ve had a lot of in the past 18 months. Anyways this is just an update to what a next chapter in someone’s life can look like.

It’s Not All Bad

This is meant to be a follow-up to my previous post, The Next Chapter. I’m worried it came across as too defeatist or negative when it was just meant to be a frank look at my situation. It should also be noted that my situation has been rapidly changing over the last month or so, and where I was when I wrote that is quite different from where I am now, mentally at least.

For the first time in probably a year and a half I’m hopeful for myself. Not because I believe my wife and I will get back together, not because anything has improved in regards to my relationship with my in-laws, and not because I’ve finally landed a new job. In fact none of those things are true but because I’m able to start living on my own terms. My wife is even reluctant to let me spend time with my daughter which is both frustrating and painful. However I’m no longer stuck in a quagmire of hurt, struggle, disappointment, self-doubt, and hopelessness. I am still hurt and struggling and disappointed and so on but I’m not content to stay there. Tomorrow may not be a better day or the day after that but I’m determined to keep moving forward until I do get to be genuinely happy again. Without change I will just slip into an abyss of self-destruction and no one wants that, most of all I do not want that.

When I finally move into my own home, or apartment if you want to be technical, I plan to set aside a corner of things for my daughter. That way I’ll have a visual reminder of what I’m fighting for, why all this pain has been worth living through. The future is uncertain but I can’t let the natural chaos of life deter me from experiencing the beauty that can exist within it.

In short, life is difficult but if I don’t work at achieving something better for myself I’ll never have that and I believe I can do that work, I trust that I can do what needs to be done.

The Next Chapter

For almost a year now I’ve been living at my parents home recovering from a painful divorce and an ongoing battle with alcohol addiction. If these two occurrences were characterized as wars I’d be losing both. Most mornings I wake up hating myself for being as useless as I feel, an unemployed father who can’t be there for his daughter. I feel like a leech attached to those I love, stealing from them just so I can slowly rot away with no purpose. Due to my inability to fully heal from my wife leaving me and change my drinking, my parents have decided it’s time for me to move onto whatever is next for me. I agree. I’ve been wanting to be on my own for a long time but didn’t trust myself to do the right thing. So I have two options: 1. Check myself into an in-house care facility or 2. Find my own place. I am fortunate that I have money saved up from my time as a Software Engineer that I could do either. As a result, because I’m just ready to move on, I bought a car and applied for an apartment closer to my daughter (who lives on the other side of the country). I’ll be driving out there soon and then I’ll try to find any job out there. Its the riskier option but I’m tired of feeling this way and the only real path I see to move on is to do what I want to do, not what other people want me to do. I’ve spent most of my life following directives from others. If it wasn’t my parents it was my wife. For the first time I can just do what I want.

That doesn’t mean living alone in a drunken stupor where I’m not directly impacting anyone, it means being self-sufficient and responsible for myself. I’ve been in therapy, psychiatric care, working with an addiction clinic, and attending Alcoholics Anonymous which are all useful tools for someone in my position and I encourage anyone who feels a similar powerlessness to use them. AA specifically is free and provides a lot of support and community for alcoholics and will be the one thing I continue with going forward. Once I’m in a better position I can be involved in my daughters life again, the only thing that’s been keeping me going. Despite friction between my wife and I, I’m determined to make sure I am a good father for the person I love most in this world. Right now I may need her more than she needs me but one day that will change and I will be able to proudly support her.

Bottom line I’m not in a good place but I can’t give up no matter how much I want to sometimes. I just need to keep moving forward.

Happy Days

I’m so exhausted from writing heartbreaking anecdotes, instead I’m going to write about something wholesome and happy. First off I’m no longer unemployed, it’s nothing grandiose but it’s a job. Onto today’s subject: I had the pleasure of my daughter spending a few months with my parents and I in Indiana last year through the new year.

My mom converted her craft room into a room for Zelda replete with her own bed, shelving, and a chest to store all of her clothes, books, and toys. Not long into her stay we went to a nearby second-hand store for children’s things and got some puzzles, books, and her first booster seat. It was fun watching Zelda run around and seeing what took her interest. She loved her booster seat which had the Paw Patrol as a motif, she loves dogs in general. There aren’t any in her home with her mom but my parents have two dogs and my sister who visits frequently has her own as well. Nearly every time we video chat with Zelda she wants to see everyone including the dogs. The group being together is important to her.

While here we would always spend our mornings in the living room where my parents watch the news everyday. Zelda would get her morning milk (chocolate milk if we had it) and we would draw, work on puzzles, play with toys or whatever she felt like doing that morning. If we drew she always wanted me to trace our hands next to each other on paper and tell me which was which. Baba hand and Dada (short for Zelda) hand. After my parents finished with the TV I would let her watch educational children’s programming like Numberblocks or Ms. Rachel for 30 minutes. I like to watch it with her so I know what she’s being exposed to, but would also take advantage of her distracted attention to prepare her breakfast. After breakfast I would always encourage her to go outside, though Indiana was quite cold at this time. She didn’t always want to and that’s ok. She did get to go sledding a few times and we even attempted her first snowman, though it was too cold for the snow to stick. We’d brush our teeth together every morning and she always wanted to imitate my brushing technique, then I’d help her finish. She did catch a cold and she and I developed a habit of taking our medicine in the morning. Baba medicine, supplements and anti-allergy pills, and Dada medicine, honey-based supplements for an immunity boost.

Around this time, I would practice her numbers 0-20 with her and then her alphabet. By the time she left Indiana, she understood 0-20 and was even starting to draw them herself. Letters were a bit more difficult, but she did learn some. Then, it was time for her midday nap. However, she almost never napped during this time, I believe it was because the room didn’t have blackout curtains. Instead, this became unsupervised play time, which is ok as long as she seemed healthy. Pushing for midday naps isn’t always necessary. Sometimes, when I would check on her, which was every 15 minutes, she would look at me with a wolfish grin saying “No, no, no” because she wanted more time to herself. After her nap was more milk, followed by more playtime.

One thing we had setup was a large box with windows and an opening for a door cut into it, with the folds taped for increased structural integrity. By the time she left it was covered in colors, words, and drawings. She’d dump her crayon bucket in there and just sift through the different colors, finding a favorite and scribbling into one of my notebooks. Or she he’d have me close the top flaps and jump out saying “BOO!”. Then she’d have a snack plate, play more, and have dinner with my parents. I’d allow her another 30 minutes of TV in the afternoon of whatever she wished. I think we watched Frosty the Snowman at least 30 times, eventually she had nearly all the dialogue memorized. Pokemon was a choice but she liked it too much and I didn’t want her to watch it after the first episode. She was going around saying “Pika, Pika!” for several days. Other things would be Bluey, Peppa Pig, nature documentaries, music videos, etc. I preferred music videos where she could see people playing their instruments.

To go to bed she had to have all of her stuffed animals, she really likes animals, all lined up in her bed with her “cozy” blanket, as she called it. Getting her cozy was a ploy I used to increase her comfort making her self-soothing to sleep easier on both of us. Sometimes I let her sleep next to me, usually when she was sick or if she woke up too early. Though she always wanted to sleep next to me, it’s better for her development if she doesn’t.

Zelda even had the chance to meet one of my friends and his kids as well as his nephew and niece. I spent the whole two hours chasing kids, being hit with pillows, playing hide-and-seek, and whatever else they all wanted to do. We both had a lot of fun, and it was my first time seeing this friend in-person in a while. It was after this Zelda started to warm up to my parents more as well, like a seal on her social openness had been broken.

Leading up to Christmas, she would make cookies with my mom, and I allowed her one cookie a day, usually split up as a treat across her meals. I used sweets and berries as incentives for her to eat her vegetables every meal. She did have her first big Christmas with us all, and she got to open her stocking of candy and small road-trip toys as well as several presents. I made sure she got a present “from” everyone, including her mother, her mother’s parents, and Santa Claus. One of her big presents was an all-wood kitchen set. Another was a marble run which I set up, and she loved the little colored marbles. She loves bath time, so one of my themes for her was bath toys, so she got all different kinds as well as a hypo-allergenic bath ball and bubbles. Watching her open the presents was great. She had no restraint and was just opening them one after another with no regard. After Christmas, we had a road trip to Virginia to meet my brother and his family. This was the first time she and my older brother had met, much to chagrin, but I was glad it finally happened. In Virginia, we spent most of our days at Busch gardens, which she really enjoyed. There were light displays, musicals, different foods, and plenty more. It was my first time riding a roller coaster in probably a decade or more. She also rode some rides with me and alone. In the afternoons we went to the pool and I’ve never seen her so excited. Her little limbs flailing like the propellers on a helicopter. She would intentionally try to jump in somewhere out of reach because she always trusted me to catch her, and she would slide in on her belly headfirst from outside the pool like seal.

When it was time for her to go we all had ice-cream sundaes the night before. It was a special night so she got a special treat. This was her first sundae with all of the fixings, a cookie, sprinkles, chocolate syrup, banana, and whipped cream. It was 20 minutes of audible expressions of enjoyment. Just “Mmmm” in various pitches as she worked through it. She didn’t finish it which is probably for the best. We all had a great time. On our flight out we watched movies and TV together. We couldn’t both watch on the same screen so I lined up the timing on our TVs so we were watching more in parallel than anything, but seeing this little head with my big beats barely fitting was pretty great. I had the volume turned way down for her. All in all we both had a ton of fun.

The Collapse Pt Four – Nadir and Terminus

I plan on this being my final post in The Collapse series and to avoid things I’ve already said, and to highlight happier moments there are a couple of earlier posts from in-the-moment I’d like to highlight. First is Life Comes at You Fast, where I go into more detail about what I was doing leading up to my daughter’s birth. Another from a month after her birth, A Liminal Space. And finally Tempus Fugit which focuses on the several months when I had parental leave from work. Again the topics below will probably be hard to read through. Anything I say about myself or others is only meant to draw out the points of how things can fall apart.

My daughter being born was and is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Pardon the meme but her birth cured my depression, or at least my nihilistically driven existential dread. For the first time in my life I wasn’t afraid of how I ended. It also seemed like the best chance for me to prove to X how capable I could be. However my wife and I clashed on almost everything at this point. I didn’t need to put a lot of effort into my contract job and thought that we agreed I would take over day-to-day child care, at least to start. Except my wife wanted a live-in doula, which I was fine with as far as nursing her back to health following a 10-month pregnancy. But it was obvious she wanted to offload day-to-day care to other people, something I was and am strongly opposed to when it’s not necessary. Since we came home with Zelda, it was “let’s have a doula, let’s let my mom come out and help, let’s get this daycare, or this person to come babysit for a day.” She had no interest in being as hands on with our daughter as I did whereas I felt that was mandatory. Before I continue I will say, X put in a lot of time and effort in other areas like finding daycares, vetting them, and other more logistical tasks.

From hour one of Zelda’s birth I was there, I even cut the umbilical cord probably with the most worried look on my face I’ve ever had. For the next three days we spent in postnatal care I most likely only got about six hours of sleep while watching over X and Zelda. Then we had a live-in doula for about two months who took care of X’s recovery and took care of Zelda. After the doula left, I sleep-trained Zelda myself, which meant sleeping only a few hours every night for months, getting her adjusted to a regular sleeping schedule. Then getting her to sleep by herself. All while looking for new work and getting housework done (I was on parental leave from work). If you ask X I’m embellishing, but I don’t believe I am. For the majority of Zelda’s first two years outside of the doula and eventually daycare, I did nearly everything that required hands-on effort. Not to say X wasn’t present, she did spend time with her. It’s just that I was the primary caregiver for a long time. When I was in CA last and picked up Zelda from preschool with my wife, Zelda completely ignored her mom and ran towards me, I believe because I was always there. Playing with her, talking to her, reading to her, brushing her teeth, feeding her, taking her to the pediatrician, things X did just not as frequently as I did.

At a certain point I started drinking again. From my memory this was 8-9 months after Jekyll &Hyde. Longer than I’d ever gone sober before, not to blame her but she gave me an ultimatum, stop drinking or she would leave. I didn’t have the strength for either. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, no matter what it cost me, I just couldn’t afford it. So when I did start drinking again I didn’t want to tell her. She’d always been a taskmaster, if I was playing video games I felt the need to hide it because she would shame me for it. Drinking was worse, I couldn’t tell her or I felt my marriage would be over. I was not drinking a lot at this point. It was mostly beer, as I enjoy drinking it, and only a few at night after Zelda was asleep. Back at work I felt driftless as I was on a new team, learning several new services, but my team was struggling to keep up with stakeholder demands. I had very little time to learn from my seniors and worked over-time to keep up. Work alone was incredibly stressful but my wife was still pressuring me to find a new job. I still had to take care of my daughter. There’s just a lot to do at this point in one’s life. We still had our good times and things didn’t take a turn for the worse until well after Zelda’s first birthday.

Zelda turned one during a visit to her family in China and this was when I realized something I still haven’t found a solution to. When my wife is with her parents she doesn’t really spend a lot of time with me. Though we did putz around town on scooters together a couple times. When my daughter is with them she wants to be with the group. I was naturally excluded because of the language and cultural barrier so I spent most of this time in China working, studying, and playing games by myself except when I took Zelda out on my own. When I told my wife this she didn’t really seem to care. One could argue “Learn Chinese”. Sure, which I did. I even delivered a vow to my wife in front of her family and friends in China, in (imperfect) Chinese at our wedding ceremony there.

Fast forward to later that year when in late October I was laid off as a part of company-wide expense cutting. I think our marriage was over the moment my wife found out. Immediately she told me, if only I had gotten a job sooner this wouldn’t be an issue. I wasn’t completely hopeless at this point, I had a plan already laid out for the next 4-5 months to make sure I would get one, by the end of my first day unemployed. A week later I had a few beers for the first time in months and X and I argued. The next morning we separated. I moved out, into a nearby rental. We started couples therapy. The rental I stayed in was shared with several others but was affordable as a result. I stayed mostly to myself while I focused on job searching. After a couple weeks I noticed the house-mates all hung out on certain days on the back porch and started joining them. Problematically they all drank and/or smoked. So at first I started smoking here and there, then I started drinking again. X was ready for me to move back into the house until I showed up completely drunk one day. No fights, just obviously drunk. Now I moved back in, not because she was ready, but to keep me away from influence.

Things stayed relatively ok still, during this period, though our relationship had obviously very much cooled. We got into one argument since therapy and she immediately stopped the sessions. Zelda was in daycare and I focused on getting a job during the day. I was putting in at least 6, sometimes 10, hours every day studying and applying for work and attending interviews but nothing ever panned out. I did pretty well staying sober having the occasional drink every couple of weeks but it was still enough for her to know I wasn’t in a good place, especially with all the failed attempts at a new job. After several months of this, around April of 2024, her parents came to help with Zelda. It was after this I completely fell apart. Since X spent all of her time with her parents we didn’t do anything together anymore and X’s parents were always with Zelda so it was hard to be with her also. Again I was excluded by the nature of language and cultural barriers. I felt alienated, alone, and frustrated. With the only two people who had kept me going all this time seemingly taken from me or just avoiding me. So I kept to myself, worked on getting a job, and drank at night and sometimes during the day.

I still spent whatever time I could with Zelda but it was usually just her and I, intentionally avoiding my wife and her parents. This meant walking her to the park, taking her out to experience new things, letting her interact with things like keyboards and vinyl. To this day if you play the theme from Banjo-Kazooie she’ll want to dance or have me hold her and dance. My favorite day from 2024 was Father’s Day when I took her to another city nearby for the afternoon. We went to Michael’s where she could see all the pretty and colorful craft supplies. Then we walked around the main strip, got lunch nearby and had ice-cream together.

Eventually I came clean that I had been drinking again but with everything that had happened I could feel, any chance of respect, love or hope had died. Still I strived for it. This was the hardest part for me. I wanted to be close to her, but I had betrayed her trust too many times, and she had never respected me as an equal. I was fighting a losing battle, and stuffed those feelings into a bottle of Vodka. It became worse and worse over the months.

“Pray before the Altar of Needles
Worship in the Temple of Smoke
Whine at the feet of Surrender
Smile all the while as you choke
Because we are in love with the pain
That we keep coming back to
Again and again and again”

– Abuse Ritual by Black Tongue

It was after X told me she wanted a divorce that I hit my nadir and I had given up. I had become nothing more than a blubbering mass of alcoholic self-loathing, a miserable little pile of secrets. There were days where I’d just lay in bed, drinking, wanting to die. My wife was already irreparably hurt by me, but harming myself would just hurt my daughter too. I slipped further and further until my best friend started to come and check on me. My situation worried him so much he worked with my parents to have me leave. Something I should have done as soon as X’s parents arrived. This was a week before Zelda turned two. I still hate myself for that, but I’ll just have to live with that shame.

After moving back in with my parents I was served the divorce papers. It hurt, and still hurts, so much I took my frustration from that out on my wife when I was intoxicated. Blaming her for this and that from over the years. She went from being a friend to no longer wanting to talk to me. I understand now, after all this time, what I did to her, how I hurt her.

See this is not just the story of how my marriage collapsed but how I crumbled alongside it. Instead of showing strength I gave in to my weakness, instead of doing the right thing I gave up. Those moments where my determination was most required, I didn’t have it. I failed. I failed again, and again, and again. Because of that I lost my wife, my home, a friend, my sanity, the right to take my daughter to school everyday, and the right to live with her and watch her grow up. Above all I hurt everyone around me. I hate it, but it’s my fault so I just have to learn to deal with it and do the right thing going forward.

Getting this far has been because I had friends and family around me who loved me and still support me.

X if you read this and make it to the end, no amount of apologies will take back what I did but know from the bottom of my heart I’m sorry.