Tag: Relationships

It’s Not All Bad

This is meant to be a follow-up to my previous post, The Next Chapter. I’m worried it came across as too defeatist or negative when it was just meant to be a frank look at my situation. It should also be noted that my situation has been rapidly changing over the last month or so, and where I was when I wrote that is quite different from where I am now, mentally at least.

For the first time in probably a year and a half I’m hopeful for myself. Not because I believe my wife and I will get back together, not because anything has improved in regards to my relationship with my in-laws, and not because I’ve finally landed a new job. In fact none of those things are true but because I’m able to start living on my own terms. My wife is even reluctant to let me spend time with my daughter which is both frustrating and painful. However I’m no longer stuck in a quagmire of hurt, struggle, disappointment, self-doubt, and hopelessness. I am still hurt and struggling and disappointed and so on but I’m not content to stay there. Tomorrow may not be a better day or the day after that but I’m determined to keep moving forward until I do get to be genuinely happy again. Without change I will just slip into an abyss of self-destruction and no one wants that, most of all I do not want that.

When I finally move into my own home, or apartment if you want to be technical, I plan to set aside a corner of things for my daughter. That way I’ll have a visual reminder of what I’m fighting for, why all this pain has been worth living through. The future is uncertain but I can’t let the natural chaos of life deter me from experiencing the beauty that can exist within it.

In short, life is difficult but if I don’t work at achieving something better for myself I’ll never have that and I believe I can do that work, I trust that I can do what needs to be done.

Take Me Back to Eden

Since my wife and I separated, the hardest part has been moving on. Unfortunately I still think about her frequently. Remembering all of the things we did, all the time we spent with each other. Cooking makes me think of her, hiking makes me think of her, certain TV shows and other activities, it’s the same. It’s all incredibly painful. I sometimes even see her in my dreams at the most random of times and places. As much as I want to be able to get past this, and find peace and give her peace, it’s been difficult. Part of it is that she’s the only person I’ve seriously dated and part of it is that we’ve been a part of each other’s lives for 12+ years. It’s probably even more complicated than that, but I don’t want to think about this any longer than I have to.

The last time I saw her, she seemed like an entirely different person than just six months ago and I’m glad she’s been able to change for the better. Walking through her house, all the signs that I used to live there are largely gone. I imagine it was painful for her to move on as well, and I didn’t do a good job of making it easier. All of those remembrances are of a person who doesn’t exist in the real world anymore, she only lives in my head. Maybe that’s the hard part, that image of her has to disappear for me to move on. I even asked her to make sure I know there’s no hope for us. Writing my “The Collapse” series made it clear that as we are, a healthy relationship between us is impossible. I know I can move on, I know I should but still I struggle with it. So I’m looking into healthy ways to move on.

There’s nothing great or profound that I want to say. I just had to get these thoughts out of my head. Yesterday and today were particularly difficult. I believed that together we would raise our daughter, see more of the world, eat delicious food, experience all of the good and bad of life and grow old as a pair. To share our love. That’s not going to happen. I have to accept that. It’s not a choice, it’s a requirement. I just wish I could take a magic pill that removes all of it without all the pain and depression. Eventually I’ll get there, I just hope it’s sooner rather than later. 

“Some folks can lose the blues in their hearts
When I think of you, another shower starts
Into each life, some rain must fall
But too much is falling in mine

Into each and every life, the rain is bound to fall
But too much of that has started fallin’ on mine
Now into each and every heart, some tears are gonna fall
But I know and you know, someday the sun is gonna shine”

– Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall by Ella Fitzgerald and The Ink Spots