(This was something I meant to publish in October but felt it was a little too depressing to riff off of the ‘horror’ tide around Halloween.)
While not of the gory variety there is an existential horror within the dying embers of old friendships. Expicitly none of my friendships are truly dead but it’s hard to ignore how thin some have become. At no point am I blaming or pointing fingers, if nothing else my awareness of this state but lack of long-form action could justify blame levied at me; but blame doesn’t shift reality.
Before I knew I’d be a father I agreed to be a best man at a friend’s wedding. I think the exact words were “I’d be honored.”. Later as the date approached I had to call and let him know I couldn’t make it as I’d be taking care of a baby then. In between those two conversations we hadn’t chatted once and I was telling him I wouldn’t make it and that I would soon be a father at the same time. He’s a chill guy and seemingly wasn’t bothered by the change in circumstances.
Obviously my communication skills aren’t that great but there’s more to it than that. We’ve been friends since middle school but went to different colleges and while he stayed in Indiana I moved to California. We even both became software engineers, but given our differing choice in college we developed new social groups. There is a stereotype that once you get married or have kids you can’t have friends, and maybe there is some truth there. However I’d guess the truth is much closer to: as people go through life they have evolving circumstances that influence their availability, ability, and willingness to engage. For example after I moved to California and got a good job my ability to visit family increased as I made more money but my availability decreased since I didn’t have many paid vacation days. If this is true then the “death” of my friendships isn’t as much my fault as it is consequence of living my life, making it all the more tragic.
Pushing past the bleakness there’s a couple more things of interest. Though the relationship may feel tenuous you’re still friends just not as close as you used to be. So, again, it’s not a true “death” but the extreme awareness in disparity between then and now. I’m sure if I reached out to my friends we could chat, catch-up, maybe play some games and have a great time. The friendship still exists.
ooglykraken 