ooglykraken

Fire

(I wrote this roughly a year ago shortly after my wife and I separated but didn’t want to post it due to my self-consciousness.)

I know it’s been some time since I posted but I have no apologies for that. Sometimes my mind is open like a sieve and sometimes it feels like a blocked aquifer. This is penance for feeling rage. Something like a fire that fills you up to the brim and spills out in dangerous cacophonies. This rage was the impetus for excellent growth as an athlete when I was younger, to the point I thought I had real potential.

My teammates rallied around me, my friends followed me, my family believed in me but it was all behind a facade for masochism disguised as self-growth due to my overwhelming self-hatred. That motor of rage allowed me to push myself to the point where I might be able to be a national-level athlete and then olympic.

Scoff if you must, this was my goal. And I failed in absolute disgrace.

I competed at the state level but failed when I needed to succeed. In one of my greatest moments, I lost in the worst way and I’ve carried that shame since. Even then that great rage only subverted my abilities. It became a crutch for greatness, without allowing me to realize those goals without it. As I grew older that Fire dissipated and the motivation evaporated with it.

Never in my life have I felt a motivation so powerful as that brought by that rage, but no fire is safe. I knew it needed some balance. Something to temper the flames but allow them to live. I could never tame that heat though. Never utilize them in a less destructive form.

I never found how to do it intentionally but either in age or wisdom the flames died down, until they were all but gone.

Right now I’m unemployed and as I look at myself those old fires are starting to ignite. For the first time in years some Great Fire has taken hold and is burning within me. I believe it to be a reincarnation of my youthful rage, an old ember whose heat has elevated to inferno. It’s all born from dissatisfaction with myself. An overwhelming disappointment.

Why didn’t I do this then, why didn’t I do that before. The introspections are poisonous. It’s all looking inward with no regards to grace or compassion. That’s a problem…but we people are just inherently complicated.

…It feels so wonderful, this fire filling you up and pushing in a way you haven’t felt for years but with it comes the cold anger of dispassion and disappointment. Perhaps these cold things are the wood that burns. I felt it back then and I feel it now. Clawing, scraping , burning me. I want something but I don’t know what. Until then it’s all just fuel for this new fire.

I’m disappointed with myself and it feels all-consuming but all fires follow the principles of needing oxygen, heat, and fuel. Only by allowing all three can a fire grow. Give that anger your breath and your negativity and it will live forever.

Solo Leveling + Trauma

Solo Leveling is a story of video game logic and preposterous scenarios but it’s also the story of one person’s overcoming of trauma. (Mild to Heavy spoilers ahead). Here we have a hero who has been given an unbelievable power in a world where unbelievable powers are common-place. Here in this world people have become hunters, or people endowed with super-human abilities to fight incursions of monsters from different dimensions called “Dungeons”. (Familiarity with video games and anime will expedite a lot of exposition). Our protagonist is a substantially below average hunter with the title of “The Weakest Hunter” who upon joining a seemingly typical expedition is granted something more by protecting others at the cost of his own life.

Our lead Sung Jinwoo, starts as a complete weakling, someone who is guided to become strong in the oncoming struggles. However he isn’t picked to become a hero because he’s already physically strong, he’s the hero because he is willing to push past his weakness, he’s the hero due to his emotional strength. Our heroe’s video-game-like abilities and their growth mirrors his own victory in his internal struggles. Time and time again as the weakest he’s faced injury and death but his desire to care for his ailing mother and younger sister pushes him to continue to face annihilation. Again and again he barely makes it just for a bit of money his family desperately needs. Once he’s given newfound powers it’s this willingness to confront Death that allows him to grow. Again and again he’s faced with his mortality but his determination allows him to grow beyond his limits. He’s still haunted by his “death” and it rattles him every time he has to face it again, but he does so regardless.

Jinwoo isn’t the hero because he was chosen, he’s the hero because he’s willing to put himself in mortal danger for those he loves. His family becomes his reason to continue. It’s only in facing those most fearful moments and pushing past them can we overcome our weaknesses, our traumas, as Jinwoo does.It’s ok to enjoy something for being dumb fun, but sometimes there’s a bit more beneath the surface. Both are equally ok but Solo Leveling is an example of where entertainment and statements about the human condition can be found. If you haven’t read the Manhwa or watched the show, go ahead, you might like it.

The Collapse Pt Two – Getting Married

My memory is fuzzy on some of the details, especially concerning time, so I will do my best to represent it all accurately. But somewhere in here my girlfriend and I had driven her car and a bunch of stuff from my native Indiana all the way to California. We turned this into a road trip passing through the northern tip of Texas on historic Route 66. This meant stopping in St. Louis, Missouri then Amarillo, Texas through Los Angeles, California ending somewhere just south of San Francisco, California. I hope I’m getting these details correct as she and I traveled a lot. It was here, close to San Francisco, where we stayed in another place with another couple and her mom who had come from China to visit. Obviously by this time her parents were aware of our relationship. This was a difficult summer for both of us, as I was unsuccessfully trying to break into the video game industry as a developer/engineer and she was saving up to buy a home. In the end this took too long for me. The games industry isn’t a very lucrative trade especially for those starting out and is not easy to break into. Money and timing pushed me to career pivot. She was already established and was ready to buy a home. I still hadn’t landed my first post-college job.

We moved into the home she bought and I prepared to instead become a Software Engineer, an option I kept in my pocket as a Plan B since college. Becoming a SWE (software engineer) is not easier than building games but it is certainly more lucrative. After many months I was able to land my first job at a company pretty close to where we lived, now in the East Bay close to Oakland. This interlude of no income made her and I both pretty unhappy and landing that first job meant a lot for both of us. This would’ve been sometime in 2017.

It was around 2017 but before my first job that she began asking about marriage. I didn’t want to propose yet as I didn’t feel comfortable doing so without more job stability and I wanted to do something grand and romantic. However she has a habit of ignoring what I say I want and pressuring for the answer she wants continuously. I don’t know how long it took but every night in bed she would ask when I’m going to propose and every night I would say when I have a stable career. Until one night I didn’t. I was so tired of hearing the question that one night out of frustration I said something like “You want to get married? Fine, let’s get married”. And that was my “grand romantic” proposal. So idiotic right? If I could’ve kept my cool it would’ve been a nice moment, instead now I regret proposing so foolishly. So one day we went to our local county clerk’s office and exchanged vows in front of a judge. This was also another moment I lost my cool as I was worried about my job security, as a co-worker was recently let go, but the whole process took much longer than expected and I grew irritated. It was unpleasant.

Later that year we had a formal ceremony at my parents which was a lot of fun and my first time back home in at least a year. Then later that year we had another formal ceremony in China with her family which was also great as my parents were able to visit China for the first time.

Finally we both had jobs, a home, and weren’t crushed by the stresses of post-graduation. This was a really good time with the inevitable hiccup here and there. It was also around this time I started collecting games, one of my main hobbies for a while and a focal point of this blog early on. Life seemed great and great things seemed to be coming our way. My job was close enough I could bike there, so I was exercising everyday, had hobbies, and disposable income. However there was a large gap in our incomes and this constant pressure to make as much as she did weighed heavily on me. This was one of the greatest stresses for me at the time, meaning I didn’t like taking unpaid time off and felt uncomfortable with large expenses. She loves to travel and not only do I not enjoy it as much as her, it ate into my savings and income after I ran out of PTO. So much so I stopped any of my own traveling, like visiting family back in Indiana, because I felt so pressured to make more money. Again the cracks in our foundation should be obvious here.

After roughly two years at my job I was let go as a part of restructuring. This would’ve been in October of 2019. We had moved into several successive rentals closer to her work at this time so her house could be rented full-time. Which meant while I was still at that job I would be commuting roughly an hour north in the mornings, something she had done going south previously. I lost my job and wouldn’t get another one for another eight months. These gaps of unemployment affected her greatly and continued to be a sore point for her, understandably. There is some blame to be levied at me but it’s not easy to change jobs as I’m sure many know.

All of the stress that I was experiencing, no job, no income, living with other renters (something that stresses me quite a bit), and pressure from her put me into a heavy depression. We had planned a trip to the northwest during this time but I backed out at the last minute feeling guilt over not being employed. This really pissed her off and I spent the two days she was gone crying alone in our bedroom. I didn’t know what to do. I felt trapped, unable to land a new position and provide for my wife.

Fortunately I was approached for a contract position at Google that I interviewed for and was accepted into, though it took a couple of months before I started in early 2020. After getting this job we hit our sweet spot of marriage. We were both doing well at work and had a healthy work-life balance. This all occurred before the Covid-19 lockdowns, which changed everything for everyone.

The Collapse Pt One – The Golden Age

If the title seems odd, it’s only because I think reading, no matter the subject, should be enjoyable. This dramatisation that persists in my writing is intentional, if it’s found to be in poor taste I apologize but i’m not going to change. My words are not hyperbolic, I am not stretching truths or making light of these topics. I would name it “Flowery”. I use flowery language because I like to use flowery language. Read How Fiction Works by James Wood if you feel the same or want to understand why. And yes flowery language is pretentious, but fun.

Tensions between my wife and I existed long before we were married. We met by chance when I found the only off-campus housing I could afford as a college student with my only job being a non-graduate teacher’s assistant. Don’t remember my pay otherwise it would be explicitly stated but I do know rent was about $600 a month + utilities. There were three (then eventually four with some ingenuity) roommates here to split the cost of our three bedroom, one bathroom apartment. One was an American-born white guy, myself (another American-born white guy), and then my Chinese-born soon-to-be-wife.

Her first impressions of me were of mild fear. I listened to death metal and didn’t talk much, but we met in the kitchen. I learned basic nutrition in high school for effective weight control in wrestling and have cooked my own food since. This means we both spent time in our 80’s patina kitchen. It was in those rare moments where we were both cooking that we connected. The conversations started small and became bigger over time. Then we started spending time with each other outside of the kitchen. This led me to ask her to accompany me on my family’s annual trip to Tennessee for the winter holidays which she complied to. One night we were all just sitting and talking and my father, recognizing our closeness, placed a blanket across her and my collective laps. We were sitting alone on a couch (actually a bench but hey) and this blanket combined us. Then later that night my parents took my younger sister to watch Frozen in theatre which had just come out. X (my wife) and I stayed behind. By the end of the night I was watching the film adaptation of Solomon Kayne and while she texted or scrolled social media. She was starting to come around to the romantic interest between us but it was uncomfortable for her because she kept calling me “white devil”. This is because of the cultural separation which very obviously distanced us while she dealt with her feelings of attraction.

From this point it would be honest to say we were “dating”. Nothing much changed but we both intended to spend more time with each other and eventually I started sleeping in her room (nothing happened, we were just physically and emotionally closer. Get rid of those dirty thoughts!). This meant conversationally sharing things, cooking together, bike rides together and all those other activities couples do. However my job didn’t provide a properly sustainable income combined with my first attempts at budgeting. She had to help with multiple months of my rent because I was a little short. I always paid her back but a certain seed was planted. One semester my family couldn’t afford tuition and I didn’t receive enough scholarship funds to compensate so I spent it just working and figuring out my life (which I obviously still haven’t done well enough). This agitated her to no end and she continued to pressure me into accepting a loan from her to resume schooling. I didn’t want to accept her money then, but eventually and begrudgingly I complied. I still think I made the wrong choice agreeing to it. I skipped one semester and had my following one subsidized by my girlfriend. This is where the cracks in our future foundation would become beyond obvious.

From here we would find another apartment together, the fact she and I continued to live with each other caused her father distress knowing we were now entangled despite not explicitly telling him as much. This was the time where our relationship was solidified. Thanks to her urging I started working in several varieties of game development, my then-at-the-time goal.

However she was a graduate student and I was an undergraduate. She already had a bachelor’s degree from China while pursuing her Master’s at IU while I was still an Undergraduate, she’s two years older than I am. Then came the dark times when after this year she graduated while I still had several semesters to finish. We were together for two years and for me she was the “one”, but she was also my first serious romantic partner. My inability to keep up with her (across multiple vertices) led to us separating for some time. This time lasted almost more than a year.

During that time she started dating someone else which absolutely broke me. I exercised so much I was probably in the best shape of my life but ran so much I fractured my fifth meta-tarsal bone (this has more to do with the type of shoe I ran in and less about my persistence; always run in good shoes). The upshot was I had a lot to talk to the ladies of the natural history building about since I’d fractured my 5th-meta-tarsal and my 5th-meta-carpal within a year which was unusual. It’s really because I don’t emote well and turn my frustrations upon myself resulting in real long-term physical damage. Exercise is good for you but we need more than that for healthy coping.

Eventually I was just three credits from graduating so I moved to California while I finished my degree online. Believe it or not I moved in with my ex and shortly after, we were together again. For fun, we met at a fancy Italian restaurant and exchanged feelings, deciding we could live together again. For more fun she bought me Fallout 4 on PC (just released recently in 2015) that night as a gift. If you’re starting to create a through-line, yeah she was better off than me for a variety of reasons. While she could offer a lot, all I had was me which is now obviously not enough.

After this our relationship accelerated as we both started our careers and began to live our adult lives together.

If the question of why I would post this arises, it’s because it’s much easier to look back now and see how things could’ve been different with the understanding of today.

I Failed

For the past few years I’ve been dealing with a lot of things. This blog has been a great way for me to talk about it and self-examine. I haven’t posted in something like two years. I plan on posting again and should. However I have to be absolutely honest. I have failed. I have failed miserably. In my post Jekyll & Hyde I talked about giving up alcohol. I did, then I did not. I was sober for about eight months before I relapsed. Since then I’ve slipped further and further into my own abyss. As a result I’m now living with my parents, lost my job (not actually related to my drinking but hey let me run with the dramatic because it’s still true), and my wife has left me. While only two of those three is directly tied to my drinking the fact I haven’t found a new job is directly tied to my drinking.

I have my own yarn to spin about my divorce saga but right now I’m just re-acclimating to posting again. I think this blog is emotionally necessary for me. I have a lot to say but I do not like talking usually. The problem is then self-obvious. Hence this blog. At first I didn’t know what this was but over time it’s purpose became more obvious. I’m a human going through a lot of shit like we all do but now I can talk about it without fear. Fear of retaliation, fear of indictment, fear of being vulnerable and more. I started this blog because I have things to say however useful or non-useful. Our many insights of other people come from their private thoughts written in journals a la Anne Frank. Not like I think I’m some important historical figure but if we don’t record these things no one else will ever know and it’s only in the knowing that things can be learned from, changed, understood, etc…

If all I do is shout at the heavens and get no response at least I get some reprieve, but if there’s at least one other human who can benefit from my words then I have done something good. Therefore I feel absolutely obliged to be as honest as possible.

I have failed and miserably so. There are good ways to deal with problems and bad ways however I took some sort of middle road where I somewhat managed to deal with them but also managed to do it completely wrong. I read, I am in therapy, I write, I explore, I create but still I drink. Drinking is not some great evil and people who drink can be completely happy, fulfilled, and not hurt those around them but not everybody can drink and do those things. Some of us struggle with moderation. Some of us struggle with our emotions. Some of us struggle with the pressures of life. Some of us struggle being alone and bored. Alcohol will never be a good prescription for those ailments.

For those of use where alcohol or really any drug (whether it be marijuana, alcohol, sex/pornography, video games, constant netflix streaming, eating fast food) become crutches, know that crutches don’t make you stronger. Being vulnerable and asking for help is strength. Being able to acknowledge your weakness and find real support is strength. Facing down your difficulties and doing the right thing is strength. Forgiving yourself for your mistakes is strength. If you get into a cycle of “I did bad thing -> punish self -> self is still same way -> I seek bad thing for better feeling -> I did thing” then that cycle needs to be broken. Not by seeking outside of yourself for assurance, peace, or atonement, etc… but by being able to say “I did a bad thing and I may do it again but it’s Ok as long as I realize the consequences and am willing to *NOT* do the bad thing again”. It seems counter-intuitive as it first seemed to me, but if you’re constantly seeking to punish yourself then you will only ever end up punished but not changed.

Forgive yourself. You are not ultimate evil. You may have done some things you wish you could take back. Things you will never forgive yourself for but if you’re opinion of yourself is so low you won’t love yourself enough to change for the better then you won’t be able to change. Changing or self-improvement relies on you thinking it’s actually possible but if you think you’re some sort of unforgiveable monster you won’t be able to love yourself enough to enact that change. Sorry if that sounds like mashed-potato words.

Bottom line is, if you want to change you have to care enough about yourself for that desire to better to be a useful motivation.

If you’re depressed or just don’t like yourself it starts with small things

Take a shower (and if you’re a man shave your face)
Wear some nice clothes (if you don’t have any just go buy one “set” of nice clothes, or just wear something different if you can’t or don’t want to spend money.)
Talk to those closest to you; if you feel like no one exists like that then you need to find some groups to socialize in. There are many social groups catering to different activities, try Meetup or many of the other widely available resources. I know it’s hard but you can do it.

You won’t always intrinsically feel better but you just took three steps in loving yourself no matter how small. Small steps every day can take you miles over time. And yes this will take time.

You may not think you can do it, but I do. I think you can do it. I believe you can do it. I know you can do it. This may sound empty but I welcome anyone who wants to talk, just reach out and I will listen. I will do what I can to be there for you.

Finding Stoicism

This is not meant to be some exultation of how I’ve ascended, I still need to remind myself of these rules. The journey is never over. I conceive of this as a set of rules because that is how I personally understand it. This is not a prescription for other people to live their lives, these are mine to guide myself going forward. It is some of this growth I’ve been pursuing that have made it undesireable to write recently as I have been considering what’s worth sharing.

The work of self-work is never finished, every moment of every day are chances to improve yourself physically, spiritually or mentally.
Consider what you say strongly before saying it, even in your own thoughts. The way you talk or think influences how you and others feel.
Many things cannot be influenced chiefly the past. There will be failures and setbacks but it’s better move forward than dwell on them. Mistakes will be made and thinking on them wont change them, it’s better to recognize how they are teachable moments.
It is acceptable to think on yourself in the way of how to improve but thinking there’s no room for growth is arrogance. There’s little wrong with pursuing perfection but understand it’s essentially impossible and thus mustn’t be pursued too strongly. Seeking control over various aspects of life may be desired but in many cases is not possible.
Indulgence, excess, and comfort foster weakness by preventing improvement.

The Hero We Deserve

My familiarity with “The Tick” is limited only to the recent Amazon series (2016), not the one with Patrick Warburton, so if it doesn’t follow in the spirit of the original material I cannot comment. However what it does do is make the last decade or so of profuse heroic media look as awful as I think they are (I mean specifically the ridiculous output of Marvel and DC and how not great most of it is). The Tick follows Arthur Everest and his new acquiantance the eponymous The Tick, a seemingly invulnerable blue-suited hero who is pushing Arthur to be a hero as well.

Our giant blue friend The Tick knows little about himself or his own past but is driven by “Destiny” as he calls it, to act as he does. It is destiny in his mind that makes him want to encourage Arthur to take up the mantle of hero and be the best Arthur. Between them they have the brains and brawn dichotomy with The Tick being an overpowered non-intellectual and Arthur a quick-thinking, effective planning, somewhat cowardly squishy person. Arthur being the logic of the duo can’t “hear” destiny as The Tick does but can effectively turn his friend’s desires into plannable actions. It’s here in this dynamic that heroism is explored, in one of many ways. Despite being a regular person Arthur learns to become responsible in taking action, no matter how small, to help others. The Tick is innately called upon by “Destiny” to do this but doesn’t always know the best way. They learn from each other, support each other, and in doing so help others.

There’s more I could write and with time more effectively could I write it but this is just a call to watch what a proper Super-Hero media can be in an era where the pure ideals of yesterday are covered in the equivalent of a child smashing action figures together in ugly CGI “action”. If you do watch this be warned that season two ends in a cliffhanger(s) and we’ll likely never get a season three.

Artifacts

If you walk into my house, it won’t be long before you notice the giant “shrine” of video games and paraphernalia. Comprised of several bookshelves (now just one) full within and without, even an uninterested observer could recognize the time and money on display. Not to reduce my collection to monetary value but only to explain what maybe a next thought would be: “That’s a lot of time and money for games.” or “So much effort for just children’s’ toys.”

In reality this isn’t too far from truth though it overlooks any deeper purpose at present. Such a collection has seeds in childish wishes but in mature hands can become more than just a sea of escapist nostalgia. Nostalgia’s historical meaning of “homesickness” reveals its painful implication that the pure feelings of that “home” in your memory no longer exists. That memory which tugs at the mind and heart is an idolized representation of some other time or place which exists exclusively in your mind. Philosophical drivel aside the importance is that the shrine is not to video games, but to my video games. Many people have played Super Mario 64 but we all will have our own unique experiences with it. Each one a catalogue of memories and feelings hidden behind the star-emblazoned door. So my copy of SM64 may not be the exact physical copy I grew up with but going back into the game I remember playing in my brother’s room on a diminutive CRT which fit on a milk crate. He had a suspended bunk bed and had the TV under it making for a rather cave-like setting. I couldn’t tell you the color of the wall, how it smelled, how I felt that day or what my brother looked like then, but I remember talking to him about SM64. I remember watching him do everything I couldn’t and then trying later. I remember seeing him progress through the game and show me places I’d never make it to on my own. All these memories and more exist in my head but in my collection, they can have a tangible totem.

There’re not only the totems which take something’s place there’s also the true relics like my 5th anniversary collection of Devil May Cry’s first trilogy. There’s nothing intrinsically interesting about it, however it’s the exact collection I bought as the first rated M game I could legally buy. A certain freeing action that was one of many on my road to free expression as a legal adult. It too also has other memories like how a friend, and I took turns beating the games over two days completing them once for DMC one (my first playthrough), then twice for two, and four times for three (because it’s so good). Ok so memories, totems, relics, nostalgia, and it all blends into a quasi-religious appreciation of yesterdays. For some. I don’t idolize the games in that way. What I see is a fulfilled childhood achieved partly through these specific material means. Where I was able to develop this nostalgia because the games I played were in vogue. Those who come after me won’t have the same context when playing them, but I can infuse my shrine with the ability to hopefully help set the contextualizing mood I had when I played them. It is here in this idea the true purpose starts to come into focus. The preserved packaging and manuals helping someone who isn’t me see something they didn’t have, in what I did have. To others some feeling, and information is meant to be given. So, a shrine this is not but rather a museum. A container for my nostalgia to take on a crystallized form and express itself to no one in particular.

Don’t Make New Year’s Resolutions

Every year instead of telling yourself you’re going to do this thing or that thing this year look at who you are and think about who you want to be. All year every year you should be striving to be that person not just January 1st. Instead of waiting for an arbitrary day to try and change, make a plan that overcomes the difference between the you now and the ideal you. Then instead of resolutions every year use it as a moment of self-reflection trying to identify how you failed, and how you can better approach your changes. There’s nothing wrong with failure, usually, if you can use it to learn and grow. Accept that you can make mistakes if you can objectively allow yourself to grow from them. In example if you want to run one mile everyday it may be too difficult to just do that right now. Instead run what you can and over time add onto how much you run every day. It may take weeks or even months but with constant effort it will come. With that constant effort comes a constant drain on your energy and motivation. So, pick effort that’s achievable and build up.

Instead of expecting yourself to just be immediately better because the calendar went up a number examine the ways you can plan for that change over the year. Then every year re-appraise that plan and whether it needs to be more or less ambitious, more or less taxing, more or less important. Every day is a chance for improvement and acknowledging the best way to change and planning around that is more effective than just changing all at once.

(If you’re a reader the books Atomic Habits by James Clear and Designing the Mind will help identify, create, and improve those plans more than my little spiel.)

Burnt + Self-Flagellation

In the movie Burnt, we start at the end of Bradley Cooper’s character’s self-imposed punishment of shucking 1,000,000 oysters. By the end of movie we know his self-flagellation is proven to have no effect on anyone really but himself and his sins against the world still need atonement.

This mirrors a similar ascetic journey I undertook as a college student, where I also underwent a self-imposed flagellation. While I was situationally poor I took it to the extreme and would forego eating up to a week at a time and skip sleeping for days at a time, this lasted for months. I hoped that this penance would bring me some greater clarity concerning life and my place in it. All I really learned is a short path into psychosis complete with auditory and visual hallucinations. The kind of self-loathing that convinced me this was ok was great fuel for excercise and I pushed myself so hard I eventually fractured my foot running, an occurrence that helped end a life long habit of exercise. Obviously such powerful motivation is desireable but not at the costs it took. There is something useful in self-deprivation of desires, not needs, but in all things moderation is important.

By the end of Burnt Cooper’s character doesn’t become better because of his self-flagellation but because he learned to accept his mistakes, he learned gratitude (even in the hands of his opposition) and as a result he became a more complete person. Emotions are powerful motivators but if you don’t manage them properly they can just burn you.