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Metal Vinyl – March 2022

Usually I put the music pictures first but one of the albums present has graphic imagery so I want people to be aware of that in advance.

There’s a well-known UK record label that helped popularize extreme music coming out in the late 80’s called Earache Records, and it’s online store is a great source of metal vinyl. Earlier this year I ordered some vinyl from them that are on my must-own list and they came in about two weeks ago, I just haven’t gotten around to writing about it ’til now. Included is an album any burgeoning fan of metal should check out: Iron Maiden’s Powerslave. Iron Maiden is the kind of metal I can still play around my wife without her complaining, which is a sentiment that extends to nothing else here. Next is the second of the three Bolt Thrower albums I wish to own, this one being …For Victory. Their albums IVth Crusade, Those Once Loyal, and the aforementioned are just phenomenal Death Metal. After this is the graphic-warning album Abysmal by The Black Dahlia Murder, who are one of the first Death Metal bands I really got hooked onto. This Abysmal album is in my opinion the last of their great albums but they’re still releasing new material. Last and most certainly not least, a band I will prop up as long as my memory functions: Opeth. My first true Death Metal band, Opeth is a great mix of heavy and soft atmospherics, harsh screams and serene clean singing. I was able to get a copy of Watershed, Ghost Reveries, and Blackwater Park. Watershed was their last album before they switched to psychadelic prog-rock. Ghost Reveries and Blackwater Park are where the band peaked and I believe some of the best albums of any genre. Only partially shown is Bloodbath’s Unblessing the Purity. This 10″ of pure evil is four tracks of exceptional DM though I prefer the dingier sound of their first two releases.

Castlevania Vinyl

Castlevania, Castlvania II: Simon’s Quest, Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse

I was introduced to the Castlevania games at when I was younger and watched my cousins play games. One cousin was playing Symphony of the Night and everything about it’s aesthetic resonated with my younger self. I eventually worked up the courage to ask to borrow it, and next I knew I was at home in front of my family’s Playstation 2 about to experience one of my favorite games of all time, for the first time. Since then I’ve probably had a dozen or so playthroughs, but I wouldn’t play the other Castlevania games ’til I was in High School or College. Any fan of the series would be one of the first to extol the excellence of their soundtracks, hence my desire to own them on vinyl. If you’re a fan, it’s worth it.

Jekyll & Hyde

I started writing this blog to have a place to voice my thoughts and share with anyone who cares to visit. Despite the many ideas I wished to record I engaged in a habit that sapped me of my will, determination, and curiosity. That was habitual alcohol abuse. I chose this particular title because it got to a point where my wife recognized me as a different person when drunk. Angry and illogical I become a cruel shade of myself, trapped by my addiction and an inability to change. My Mister Hyde released after the imbibing of a potion. Any problems, troubles, or anything negative that I discuss in this story I provide not for pity but honesty. I made these mistakes, now I’m trying to fix what I can. I’m not the first and I will not be the last but maybe writing this will help me, and if you read it maybe it will help you or a loved one.

When the Covid-19 lockdowns started I had no problem staying at home. I prefer my solitude. However, as the lockdowns continued, I found myself growing increasingly bored and disappointed in myself. When my wife and I spent a portion of the year in Tennessee I started drinking a lot more. Partly because I had been a habitual pot smoker for about a decade and stopped all at once living somewhere where weed was illegal, and partly because of the boredom. It was simple at first, drinking a few beers after work while watching TV. Eventually it became habit and my consumption increased from a few beers to a six-pack. Not only that but being stuck where we were in Tennessee left me feeling trapped, like living in a hotel room for months. We went out when we could, but we were very remote. The only food available to us being microwaveable food as we didn’t have a kitchen. All of this and reduced exercise made me 50 pounds heavier after a few months. This all seems like text-book depression and maybe it was, but when I was high school, I suffered from a savage depression, and it didn’t feel the same. Eventually we left Tennessee and moved to Colorado, while here I picked up my smoking habit again but severely reduced in consumption. Recognizing how much weight I had put on I knew I couldn’t continue drinking beer and that I needed to be exercising daily. My misgivings over drinking had already started to exist but either out of indolence, foolishness, or addiction I continued to drink but now hard liquor. Of any of the signs my body gave me to stop the one that has changed my life the most it’s that my digestion stopped working properly though I hadn’t yet determined drinking as the cause.

Unfortunately, this is where the story takes a turn for the worse. My drinking had accelerated to a gallon of whiskey a week. I was occasionally day drinking, but certainly drinking far too much each night. This is when I started to lose control. When I started to argue with my wife. When she started to notice something was wrong. Too much alcohol and I can’t manage my emotions well, I start complaining about things to my wife. It becomes a debate. Then a fight, hurting us both. One could correctly guess this affected my wife’s disposition as well, quite severely. A tension had always existed between us as she’s highly motivated and hard-working, and when we met in College, I was struggling student who didn’t work as hard as he should or could have. After the alcohol she lost faith in me. She became afraid of me. Why didn’t I stop.

My wife had a hit breaking point with me and asked that I get into therapy. I met with a therapist for a few months but ultimately didn’t feel like it helped, and not for the first time. I had therapy as a high schooler when I was dealing with my depression. I attended several sessions back then but talking to my therapist I got the sense she either didn’t care or didn’t understand. She even suggested that my internal anger arose from contempt towards my mother because she and my older brother argued when he lived with us, based on me looking up to him as a kid. That’s absolutely a load of bollocks. I knew it wasn’t going to work with this therapist and I would have to figure it out on my own. Which I did, in a sense. One of my biggest inspirations back then was my French teacher at the time. This teacher really cared about her students and put a lot of effort into teaching. When I started to slip in grades, she’d talk to me about it because she wanted me to improve. She did all this while going through chemotherapy for cancer and she never lost her optimism. Not the overly bubbly kind but hopeful and determined. Knowing she’s probably suffering while doing all this it showed me that you must have hope and you must work hard every day to keep it that way.

Late in 2021 my wife and I discovered she had become pregnant. I had stopped smoking weed at this time in anticipation of my first-born, a daughter. This is also when I started studying seriously to change jobs and my first real attempt at managing my addiction. As a software engineer it’s required to demonstrate aptitude through a variety of tests and interviews. This means months of practice and studying. So, for three months I had purpose. Still drinking but I was too busy to drink a lot. For the first time since maybe college, I felt like I was working hard and had something. This was only a bright spot in a streak of darkness. I failed to get another job and I think the disappointment killed my remaining passion and optimism. Then I stopped studying and shortly after we moved back to California. My wife suggested it’s possible the constant moving prevented me from building solid habits.

I didn’t immediately relapse but I did start drinking again and it grew as a habit. Tensions with my wife, my own personal issues, a pull to change jobs, my day job, and most importantly my unborn daughter all weighed on me, asking me to find reprieve in a bottle. So, I did, and all that stress poured out of me whenever I drank too much. The pressure evolved into anger that I would direct at my wife when we disagreed, usually over my drinking. I never struck her, nor had I ever hit her, but the uncontrollable anger I exhibited frightened her. At least once she felt she should leave the house for her safety. Knowing if I want to be in my daughter’s life in a capacity that I would be proud of, I had to stop. I resolved to do so. Thus, this tragic tale of human foolishness reaches its present terminus (I apologize if I come across as pompous or anything of the sort).

My wife and I are trying to work through our shared problems. She’s suggested I see a therapist for my own issues. We’re also setting up time with a couple’s therapist. I’m looking into local AA chapters. Right now, the last bottle I drank is sitting on my desk empty with the date I began my abstinence “04-27-2022”. Hopefully in a year I’ll be writing about one year clean and how great it is to be a father.

Food – Post College

Food – College years

Beijing + Lianyungang 2017

Mendocino 2016

Growing Into Games – Part One

Thanks to my family I never had a choice. Not like my parents were into games, but my brother and cousins were. For me this meant Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis games are amongst my oldest memories. Eventually my older brother got an N64 as a gift from the parents, back when it was state-of-the-art. I remember going to the store with them, my parents seeing the price tag and my brother negotiating its acquisition. It might not have been that day we got it but eventually it made it’s may into our house. Now we already had a Sega Genesis and I’d played every game we had though I still couldn’t read yet, but the 64 was something else. Between Super Mario 64, Mario Kart 64, Smash Bros, the Mario Parties, and most of all Goldeneye we were all enthralled. My cousins would come over and we’d play multiplayer for hours. Being the youngest I could never compete with them but it was all about the fun. Then came the crown jewls of my childhood: Banjo-Kazooie and then it’s sequel, Banjo-Tooie.

Bottom line the N64 was the most foundational of my gaming consoles and set the bar from what I’d expect from gaming. From multiplayer party games to enjoyable single player romps, with a personality I think is lacking in most modern games. It was another means to connect with other kids as well. Sharing on monday morning what we spent all weekend playing. In fact, some of my early favorites I was only able to find through friends such as Banjo-Tooie, Conker’s Bad Fur Day, Ocarina of Time, and Perfect Dark. Some may hate on the N64 today, but it still has a distinctive art style and well-made games despite its age. All in all, the idea is that old does not mean bad…. or good. There’s quality in every generation it just represents the different interests, aesthetics, and desires of the time. Maybe some other qualities too, please let me know.

The next step of my journey was when I started taking more autonomy over what I wanted. This began with my Gameboy Color. I’ve wracked my brain to determine where this magical little green device came from. However I can’t remember if I bought it or it was a gift but I do know it was second-hand.

This led me down the portable gaming rabbit hole, something my parents’ fondness for road trips would facilitate. Now if it sounds like I’m blaming my family that my wife now must deal with the childish question of “but what about my games?” (Imagine a whiny child voice) that’s not the case. As a person I’ve noticed I have a mild obsession with collecting and organizing but especially for things that are miniature. For example, as of this writing my GBA collection is my largest game stock with the second being the PS2. Once I became old enough to read labels I started experimenting buying new games for the N64 and GameBoy, starting my habit of making trips to the game store. Revelations like Pokemon Gold and Heroes of Might and Magic 2 began cracking open my awareness of what games could be.

My next glorious golden shining light from the heavens, something that had been teased before my eyes by others: the GameBoy Advance. I finally got one when I was old enough to do odd landscaping jobs for neighbors to fund my purchasing of toys and games. For the first time I would begin buying games brand new. Reading GameInformer artices eagerly anticipating their arrival then begging a parent to drive me to get a copy.

This was the device that drove me to emulation and eventually to start collecting. Its abundance of high quality software of many genres meant it was always charged, always ready go, and always had something good ready to play. Competing with friends over the wireless dongles in Pokemon was like a precursor of modern multiplayer. Remakes of classic SNES games made some masterpieces portable, like Link to the Past. Even some great series received offerings on the GBA, like Final Fantasy Tactics or Metroid Fusion. I believe most young people who had this kind of Nintendo Power at their fingertips would have a hard time resisting it.

Thus a young one was struck with an inexorable curse, never to recover, forever doomed.

Game Pickups – Some Catch-up

Just a few items I bought recently and christmas present I put together for another collector friend.

Vinyl Pickups – March 2022

My wife and I made a trip out to Berkely to walk around and enjoy not being stuck in-home. I took the opportunity to make some nice vinyl picks at the local Amoeba Vinyl store. While there were some other albums I was interested in, my selections were already a bit of overkill. Metallica and classic Jazz are always on my radar but I had a lot of fun picking through the $2-$3 classical albums hoping they’ll be enjoyable. The most interesting standout is the Classical Flute Concertos. After we walked 15-20 minutes for lunch at a Thai restaurant, though I wasn’t too hungry.