The fourth of July is most certainly a day of celebration for me. I am a dedicated American and believe that the democratic process can allow for change. This country is not perfect but I firmly believe it can become better. Though the fourth of July is more important to me for another reason. It is the day my daughter was born. She is what is most important to me. She is the reason I’ve been trying to pull myself out of the mire I’ve sunk into. Last year I missed her birthday as I was enduring probably the worst period of my life, coping with job loss, divorce, losing the woman I love, alcoholism, being pushed out of my daughter’s life, and trying to find a new home. I still regret not being strong enough to be there, if I were a better person I could have been there.
However, on her third birthday, I was there. I could be there for her. And it was a very good day. She seemed to have so much fun and verbally expressed that she was happy. Her mother did a good job organizing things and she deserves thanks. Zelda’s b-day was held at a Chuck-e Cheese, where she constantly darted between every game. She had some obvious favorites and was just enamored with the full-on stimulation provided. I was able to see the friends she made and their parents. All in all a good time. Recently I’ve noticed she always gets upset when she and I have to say goodbye, I wasn’t sure if she just didn’t want to or because she didn’t want to say goodbye to me. I was able to get a definitive answer as I explained “Baba is going home in this car, and Zelda is going home in that car”. She wanted to go with me as she understood I was not going to her home. It was the purest definition of bittersweet as it made me glad she wanted to go home with me but it hurt so much to tell her she couldn’t and see how upset she was after.
Unfortunately what else I have to say is more about me, because I have just recently finished a move from Indianapolis, Indiana to Fresno, California. It’s been about three weeks and I’m finally settled in. I did this to be closer to my daughter and this birthday was both a really good day and a proof of why this was the better choice I could’ve made.
I rented a U-haul and drove four hours north (thanks to traffic) to pick up my things from my wife’s. Spent a few hours packing, then drove home around midnight. I got home about 3 am and unloaded the van by 4 am and promptly went to sleep. Since then I’ve been organizing and putting things in their place, getting groceries and whatever else I need. While there’s still some tidying to do everything is just about done. Now it’s a matter of living on my own for the first time in my life at the ripe age of 32. In fact since high school it’s been one of my dreams to just live alone. Like most dreams the romantic vision and the reality aren’t congruent but it’s still good.
Going forward I need to get a job, keep going to AA and figure out what visiting with my daughter will look like. It’s a little scary especially being unemployed but I have hope things will work out. Hope is not something I’ve had a lot of in the past 18 months. Anyways this is just an update to what a next chapter in someone’s life can look like.
ooglykraken 