Sonder

This word is one of the neologisms devised for The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows by John Koenig. The dictionary itself is an attempt to provide language for feelings or emotions without a clear label (there’s also a YouTube channel). I came across it by chance and gladly so.

n. “the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.”

John Koenig

It’s strange that my finding of his work was a largely insignificant moment but afterwards I gleaned a sliver of insight into another’s life. First off, I’m quite jealous. John’s prose evokes very specifically but appeals broadly. It’s one running sentence but it’s skips, and hops are natural. Already just this one word has required some meditation to be only as uncomfortable with it as I am. This I see as a good thing. A chance to confront mental blind spots and learn about perhaps-not-so-obscure-anymore sorrows.

A usefulness of this feeling is a humbling of self, I think. Recognizing everyone is their own actor is essential to respect, sympathy, and other foundations for healthy relationships. Conversely, I remember telling a friend some time ago that as much as I always wanted to be a hero in any story I was more likely a forgotten character of minor importance, and I truly believed that then. Feeling that you are a background character in your own story is too humble; balance then is the antidote. You can be a hero in your story just don’t be a dick in everybody else’s.